Loves. I cannot believe how long it has been since my last blog post. Almost 3 months! And what a 3-months it has been. When I last shared my process with you, I was in the midst of a deep emotional, physiological and psychological healing process. I was just beginning to emerge from months of actively rebuilding my adrenal glands and clearing an intestinal parasite. I was feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and raw. I needed to pull away from many responsibilities and activities and go deep within, not the most comfortable place for an extravert who gets so much juice from interaction and accomplishment!
Well, here we are 3 months later and I feel new! With the expert, compassionate and gentle guidance of my dear friend Sarah Cotten of Body Wisdom Health, I am waking every morning ready to greet the day and not wishing to draw up the covers and hide.
As much as I know about healing, and can facilitate deep healing for others, I am notoriously the worst client. I tend to push myself to serve others and take little time for myself. Sound familiar to anyone? This year has been such a lesson in giving myself time, prioritizing my well-being, saying NO, and allowing myself to be supported. All great challenges for me. It is literally "written into my hands" that this is my life-lesson. Through my training in Scientific Hand Analysis, I know that my first and foremost life lesson is: Lost Self-Worth, Integrity and Guilt Issues: "I don't know what I am good at. What's my niche? Self-worth and insecurity issues that show up as confusion about my gifts and abilities. Guilt about taking time for myself. Taking time for myself is perceived as "taking from" others. Issues around receiving" Yikes!
This has been the story of my life for as long as I can remember. And it will continue to be the story of my life, but I am finally able to see it for what it is: A LESSON. A reminder. A kick-in-the-ass. A mirror. An obstacle, that when I overcome, on a daily, moment-by-moment basis, gives me the greatest gifts. A friend. A true ally.
If I ignore this friend, if I decide that it is more important to look out for others at my own expense, ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE! Like a row of dominos, one a after another I fall into "I can't. Incompletion, frustration, lack of results. BANG. "I don't fit in" Issues with family and community, feeling disconnected, like the black-sheep. BANG. "Powerlessness. It's not MY fault. Why don't YOU tell me what to do?! Powerlessness, helplessness, overwhelm. I'm trapped." BANG. "Victimization, shame and numbness. I can't have what I want. Victimization (something happens that hurts) leading to shame, followed by numbness and disconnection from desires." BANG!
One after the other, or all at once, and I am left a shattered mess, unable to feel my power, afraid of my own decision-making capabilities, drowning in self-doubt and wanting to hide away from the world and give up. And all from not taking care of myself first!
This pattern was my life for so many years! And I did not know it. All the therapy, all the practices I tried, all the times I blamed my parents for things they said, blamed teachers for unskillful words and actions, did not get to the heart of it. The deep heart is that I need to take time for myself, take time for MY healing. That is this NOT selfish, but self-serving and gives me the power and strength and serve others.
Everyday, I have to remind myself, everyday, I have to hear the voice that says, "Don't do your practice, you are being selfish. Don't take that walk. Don't meditate. Don't take time to feed your body well. Someone needs you, take care of someone else, do something for someone else." Everyday, I have to say, "I hear you, and yes, I know that I have to care for others, but I cannot do that from a empty vessel. I need to fill my glass first, then it can overflow to others." I have to have the conversation all-day everyday. When I do, and when I practice gratitude for all that I have, I can serve. I can give with full presence and full life.
So now, I am practicing this daily. Reminding myself of the power of self-care in a totally new way. Feeling the rewards and being filled by them. Ready, poised to serve from a totally overflowing cup. I am blessed to have this wisdom, blessed to be able to share it and blessed, blessed, blessed to have you to share it with.
In deepest gratitude and with warmest HUGS,
Now my request: Add a comment about how you are filling your own cup, or what you could do to feel more overflowing...
Like this post, then share it with your friends through Facebook or email. Blessings and Hugs.