Behind-the-Scenes

The reason we struggle with insecurity 
is because we compare our behind-the-scenes 
with everyone else's highlights reel.
-Steve Furlick

Do you have the strength to be vulnerable?
-Susanna Bair

I know I have been absent from my blog for some time and I wanted to explain.  I have been thinking about writing what is happening for me for a while, but I kept running up against the feelings expressed in the first quote above.   I see everyone's highlights reel, watch my friends make great strides in their lives and begin to feel insecure about my behind-the-scenes life.  Watching the thriving of many can make the times of stagnancy or healing crisis feel all the more lonely. Then today, I saw this message from a compassionate teacher of love. "Do you have the strength to be vulnerable?"  I realize that for the last several months, I have not had that strength, but thanks to excellent care I am receiving and giving myself, today I do.  

About nine-months ago, I began seeing a nutritionist/functional medical practitioner, Sarah Cotten, to discover why, with all the things I had been doing in my life, the exercise, the eating "well" was I still feeling so much fatigue and gastrointestinal distress?  She put me on a gluten free and low sugar protocol with more protein than I had been used to eating, as well as incorporating more fermented foods into my diet. I also began to take more supplements specific to my perceived deficiencies.  While it helped some, I was still experiencing some of the same symptoms.  So I get tested for adrenal function and intestinal parasites.  As it turned out, I had not only Adrenal Stress but Adrenal Exhaustion! And an intestinal parasite.  

This explained a lot about why life had become more challenging, I would awaken after a night's sleep still tired and sometimes dreading even things I liked to do.  So I began a long slow protocol of taking herbs and bio-identical hormones to rebuild my adrenal system.  After 3 months of that, which I still do everyday and will probably do for several more months, I began the process of dealing with the intestinal parasite.  About a month ago, I went through the parasite cleanse and now I start the rebuilding of my intestinal flora and dealing with the candida yeast overgrowth. Now I am starting a gut-healing protocol to soothe my inflamed gut.

All of this process has been extremely humbling.  I am not so debilitated that I require bed rest or anything like that, but I have not known how my energy would be day to day. Adrenal Exhaustion and intestinal cleansing is a tricky situation of day by day. Not having the energy or mental focus it requires for me to run my business effectively and serve my community in the way I want to has felt sometimes devastating. I am not accustomed to being this tired and scattered. 

I am so grateful for my amazing husband Ben who has supported me every step of the way through this journey and allowed me the space and time to heal.  What has really come to light during this time is how difficult it is for me to take REAL time for healing. My inclination is for fast recovery. Let's get it done now!  This experience has shown me that this is not always possible. Sometimes to road to recovery is long and full of pot holes and switchbacks. It feel like I take a few steps forward and several steps back. Things are slowly improving, though I may still have a few months before I am fully recovered and back to my full-steam energy. I am so grateful to everyone who has helped me along the way and for the great care I am receiving.

If I regret anything in this experience it is not being open and vulnerable sooner. I am certain that I am not the only one who has gone through this kind of recovery and sharing it with others allows myself to be supported, and I hope, allowing others to see themselves in my story and seek the support and care they need.